Random BS

Ok... how about some RANDOM BULLSHIT out of nowhere while I'm trying to put out a blog (in RED hopefully) by Halloween.

The journey from my hotel to a nearby gas station this evening was completely suffering from BULLSHITITIS. Remember this is filler shit. I'm throwing you a bone...

AND BY BONE I MEAN SHIT FROM THE ANUS OF A BULL.

Sometimes you can't just get from POINT A to POINT B without certain deviations from the your normal plan. My plan of course being an odyssey of epic proportions may have been slightly exaggerated but yet real to the concept of HOOD TRAVEL vs. NORMAL MOTHERFUCKER FEELING SAFE ABOUT ONE'S SITUATIONAL AWARENESS kind of travel. 

I WAS KILLED ALMOST 11 TIMES!!!!!!

Ok ... maybe it was just 7.

Sorry, maybe more like 5. Yeah 5 seems more like it.

But those two dudes with COCK SMASHING white guy heat seeking missiles may be OVER THE TOP ... SOOOO...

Maybe it was just 2 GUYS!

2 GUYS that wanted my money (from my back pocket) at all costs.

BUT

Actually those 2 guys were just panhandling and weren't quite aggressive at all... as a matter of fact they were begging me for change. 

AND WHEN I mean change... I mean like change that a single dude might except on a simple route from POINT A TO POINT B that really didn't have challenges at all.

SOOOOO...

Ok, so there was like this guy that asked me for some spare change AND I GAVE HIM LIKE $1.87 in change.

So there you have it. I gave some money to a homeless guy on the street.

SHIT THAT WAS FUCKING SCARY! 

Anywho ... new shit around Halloween.

AGENT NEPTUNE

tl;dr

It would appear that GIF's are now working.

This might be the start of something good.

This is where I post my title.

This is where I post some content.

This is a simple test.

As one can see here in this picture, the complexity of a 60 watt lightbulb goes beyond the scope of human comprehension.

FLASHLIGHTS SUCK!

I think one of the stupidest inventions ever has to be the flashlight! Who the hell needs flashlights anyway? They are useless! Even the name is stupid. It just means you're a dumbdouche that has not been doing your job memorizing where the fuck everything is while there was daylight. Besides only pussies need flashlights anyway. Heck a real badassador would rip their shirt off and wrap it around a table leg and fire up a TORCH!!!

When your power goes out - the sound of smoke detectors buzzing in your place is a sure sign of a TORCH carrying BOSS, and not a flashlight toting puss!

As one can see in this image - Jackie Chan couldn't agree more!

The only thing flashlights are good for are cracking skulls! Especially on Halloween or the 4th of July when you are completely sick of some of the water heads orbiting you OR maybe you'd just like to stomp someone's ass down to the ground with your boots, take their flashlight and hold it right up to their eyeballs - clicking that fucker on and off demonstrating your love for their retinas. ONLY THEN when you're tired of doing that you can pick them back up and crack their noggin with it. Then ask them...
 

"Do you like flashlights now?" Do ya?

Agent Neptune

Festus (Fallout: New Vegas)

 

Damn it Festus we're NOT old pals! I have given the entire Mojave wasteland the BLUE GLOVE treatment searching for those Sunset Sarsaparilla star bottle caps! I have been shot at, burned, eaten by ghouls, drowned while getting my shit raped by Lakelurks. I'VE DIED 15 TIMES TODAY FROM RADIATION POISONING... GIMME MY PRIZE YOU PUPPET PRICK!


http://steamcommunity.com/id/agentneptune/

AGENT NEPTUNE

ZOMBIES AT THE BOATHOUSE!

Freedom of choice

Is what you got

Freedom from choice

Is what you want…

If you're wielding a white-hot chainsaw and YOUR CHOICE is to back into a closet while being chased by a zombie witch - make sure the god-damned thing has enough gas in it to complete the job. It's just common sense. Unfortunately, one of my cohorts (a Waffle House cook on the run) learned that GAS GAGES ARE AN AMAZING THING! Now he's dead. The lower half of his body is now somewhere in a nearby cornfield. I just tossed his head in a bonfire.

It's still looking at me.

Well, the latest horde of zombies seems to have settled down. They're just kind of wandering around doing nothing at the moment (like golfers or something). My hideout? A boarded up boathouse with shit-tons of ammunition. We got brain removing AA-12 automatic shotguns (fuckers can decommission a T-Rex quicker than a MySpace blog), shit-tons of pistols, pipe-bombs, Molotov cocktails, Lortab laced LAX-A-THOT, and PISS BOMBS! That's right...

PISS BOMBS!   

In this action scene below - one can see wondering zombies

achieving the same results as golfers do after 18 holes.

The graffiti on the walls left by previous survivors can be quite informing - such as how to get generators up and running, safe routes of passage to military evacs, etc. This is where we learned that along with the brain, they crave HUMAN PISS! I don't know if it's a delicacy or some shit... but it causes a bizarre reaction! The zombies will lick it, roll over it, kick at it, and generally go nuts for several minutes. Then they lose interest and walk away. Two hours later, the infected attacker will come back and have exactly the same response.

One must be careful where taking a piss. Simply walking out into an open field to urinate will likely result in ones body getting covered in zombies like a tootsie-pop covered in ants. A brief scouting of your surroundings is always wise before the release of urine. Another helpful tip is to simply learn how to stop peeing BUT that's a completely different adventure.

MIND OVER BLADDER!

The recipe for making a PISS BOMB is rather simple. Take a 24 FL OZ (1.5 PT) 710mL container of Mountain Dew and piss in it. ((((QUIETLY!)))) Have a flaming Molotov standing by. Loosen cap... Wait for that fuck-stick fellow freeloading survivor that's been a complete cockhole for the past 3 days by almost blowing your cover, talking shit non-stop, poking every fly-swarming body part with a stick to see if it's still alive... push them out the back door of the house and grenade their braggadouching ass in HELL-FIRE WIZZ! Wait for the attacking hoard... then Molotov explode the goddamn moshpit.

Then run for the evacuation boat for the win!

Well... I'm on the run and 474 words is better than none.

AGENT NEPTUNE

Some new stuff?!?!

Over the last 4 months, there's been a few ideas that may have crossed my mind. I don't know how to look at it... these (things) ... (ideas)... (thoughts) - right brain flatulence?!?! Whatever the heck it is ... I consider it relevant to share... BUT in which medium? I don't have a Facebook (never liked it anyway), MySpace is dead, Blogster??!? Twitter??? Tumblr? There may be no solution. For now, Blogger appears to be the only medium that even remotely compliments the style and look of my original writings. MOST EVERYTHING ELSE HAS FAILED TO PLEASE ME!

Let's just cut the bullshit... I've been fighting ZOMBIES for the last 670 hours of my life. REAL FUCKING ZOMBIES!!! I have approximately eleven thousand eleven hundred and elevendy-leven kills over the last 4 months.

I have a shitload of stories.

ALL FUCKING REAL!

Stay tuned.

AGENT NEPTUNE
(agentneptune@gmail.com)