"Close Encounters of the 4th Kind"
(or it could have just been a nightmare that really sucked)
NOTE TO SELF:
That's right you! Agent Neptune or whatever the heck you call yourself these days. It's "ME" - yourself. I'm writing this letter to you (my future self) because you probably went and opened your big mouth and told a bunch of people about that little incident with the "Out-of-Towners" in the form of a blog. You didn't keep your promise (like you said you would) and "they" sure as HELL kept theirs (like they said they would) by returning to wipe out your memories of the entire incident with their intergalactic thought-knockers. You're lucky they didn't pull a "Bob Crane" on your (our asses) during that night. I've taken all the gibberish that you had apparently scribbled down on several 'post it' notes and here's your story…
What makes us die in our sleep?
Seems you had finally figured it out. When people die in their sleep, it's because they had one of "these" hellish episodes while sleeping. You had an absolutely bizarre, very shocking dream (a brief visit to the mental ward of hell) with some outlandish mind hocus pocus that would have killed Freddy Krueger or an elderly person instantly. (please no Freddy Krueger pictures in my comments)
Perhaps something was making you Bat-Shit Crazy?
Just lying there in bed, you abruptly woke up (well somewhat woke up). Well, maybe you were kind of still sleeping. Hell, it was the middle of the night, you kind of knew it was a dream, but everything seemed a little too real. Your mind was racing and you were lying backwards in your bed. So you got up, walked towards the bathroom. Thinking to yourself...
What the hell is wrong with me?
1. Did that god-damned Sandman slip me some Necrohol?
2. Did I OD on Lax-a-Thot? Again?!?
3. Is there a "Nightly Intruder" I haven't discovered yet?
4. Did I accidentally drink the warm beer sitting next to the computer instead of the cold one before going to bed?
5. Did Wolf Spider eggs hatch deep within my nose and ears?
6. Am I just Bat-Shit Crazy?
or...
7. While on my trip to the Everglades, was I gang-banged by alligators, thrown into the trunk of an old rusty Chevy while tied up and bound with duct tape, forced to participate in reptile-like Dagobah porn, only to escape by trudging through 30 miles of swamp like Nevada Smith, THEN to get captured and mounted by Swamp Thing to awake back to my motel with my large intestine filled will eggs?
8. Forget number 7 ... that's a completely different blog.
Alright now, got lost there for a sec, where the hell was I? Oh yeah...
Staggering half asleep, you managed to get to the bathroom. This is when all the shit started getting really bizarre! The bathroom suddenly turned into a long dark alley, the sink, medicine cabinet, and faucets started turning into sporadic lights, circuits and switches. The mirror morphed into a huge glowing monitor, with what appeared to be a schematic diagram of yourself with technical information scrolling down its screen with an array of physical symptoms.
I think this is when you might have lost it.
"There were voices, I heard other people moving about. I was no longer in my bathroom but in some kind of strange laboratory. I found myself in a group of people walking down a long hallway. We were all stripped of our clothing. There were echoes from around the large room and then a translated Stephen Hawking like voice came over a PA system addressing all of us who were confused as shit"
OR, maybe you were quite sane, just completely screwed...
PA VOICE: "We deeply regret the situation you are in and what inconveniences we have caused you - while passing through your system, we accidentally dumped our lavatory core too close to your atmosphere, you have been contaminated, we have brought you to our vessel to fix the problem. Simply put, in your terms - WE ACCIDENTALLY SHIT ON YOU GUYS!"
Then came the manic outburst from all the other abductees, people were completely pissed and began flipping out! Brilliant colorful metaphors from all around the world were deeply expressed and one could just feel the love around the room as everyone lashed out in anger with such GREAT HITS as:
1. Get me the fuck out of here now! You Fuck-Muppets!
2. You gots to be shitting me... You shit on us?
3. I do believe in spooks. I do believe in spooks. I do! I do! I do! I do believe in spooks. I do believe in spooks. I do! I do! I do! I do!
4. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!
5. AAAAAAA!
6. Fantastic. Mid-coitus. Fantastic!
7. Again? Next time take the woman!
8. HaHaHaHaHaHa! Were all gonna die!!!
9. Was vom Teufel?
10. Take my husband instead!
11. Mutha fuckas!?!? Awww, no no no! Edit undo!
12. I'll be dipped in shit! That's the last mutha-fuckin time I ever drop acid and watch Sesame Street.
13. I wasn't looking at his neck!
14. OHHHMYGODNOOWANNAGOOHHNOOWANNAGOOO (((zzzizzizp)))
and much much more!
PA VOICE: "Our ultra-violet light beam will reveal your contaminated area's with a bright green glow. Once identified, we will clean and sterilize the infection site and you will be sent back. Now please move forward in line to the scanning platform, oh and one last thing, you can't tell anyone ever about this or we will return and "make fuck" with your brain!"
Seems your patience was being tested.
Frustrations started to surface by the lengthy wait you were experiencing. It says here "This is a long line, and I hate fucking lines! Space ship or not, screw this, at least when you're at an amusement park waiting for the Scorching Screaming Twisted Nuts of Death, you know you will be rewarded by a 30 second ride of hopefully barf free bliss. BUT, here I am watching people in front of me get scanned by some weird green light! This is worse than the gas station down the street, the 'Shell from Hell' with lottery ticket zombies in line!"
Uh-Oh! They found their first contaminated being.
A loud ear piercing buzzer went off, seems they found a contaminated dude. He had a bright green glow on the back of his head! There was a collective "OH SHIT", which came from the line of onlookers. Then, they brought out this giant glass jar! AND, there was something in it. Whatever the hell it was, it had long tentacles that hung over the sides and it was sucking the glass. They pulled this thing out (best attempt at a description) some kind of wriggling twisting spider-squid with one over sized angry looking eye!
SUCKING and SUCKING and SUCKING...
The little "helpers/things/greenies" reached in and slapped this THING on the back of the dude's skull and it started voraciously SUCKING! Screaming out in pain "CHRIST IT HURTS STOP STOP PLEASE GOD HELP ME!" But I guess GOD was not listening because this thing started SUCKING harder as the veins began to pop out of his forehead. SUCKING and SUCKING and SUCKING so hard, and it was good at SUCKING too, it SUCKED so good it didn't SUCK but it SUCKED, it SUCKED good enough to SUCK the brains out an abducted human's skull for 10 straight minutes of what this guy would call the Ninth Circle of Hell. Finally, the creature let loose, grabbed a smoke, and slid back in the jar. Falling to the floor traumatized and crying, the first victim was free to go. (minus the hair on the back of his head)
PA VOICE: "He's clean, send him back - NEXT!"
Is "Fuckupness" a word? Damn straight it is!
After seeing this horrid display of complete FUCKEDUPNESS, nobody had the SACK to go next! But being the badass I am, I stayed in line like a man along with one other dude in front of me. We were the only ones left. The rest of the pussies were off hiding in the corners of the ship (praying I guess?) The guy in front of me was a complete badass looking bro too. A large size, aggressive looking dude that I could have sworn I've seen somewhere before. He looked like the type of guy who wanted to start shit. I think he enjoyed pain and seemed like one who would bum rush a Santa at the mall in front of 100 kids just to make them cry or start a mosh pit in a petting zoo! Then he looked back and said "I'll be honest with you I'm scared shitless but here goes nothing - BRING IT!"
Giving a predator like roar, he stepped onto the platform under the green light. But nothing! Just a green little glowing dot on his knuckle! That was it! Without hesitation he thrust his fist right into the squid's mouth and yelled "SUCK IT MUTHAFUCKA!!!" Gurgling and bubbles came from the jar. SUCK IT!! I thought he'd killed the thing. SUCK IT!!! He pulled his hand out and showed it off while running people down into corners and waving it in their faces. SUCK IT!!! Heh heh, bunch o' pussies.
PA VOICE: "He's clean, send him back - NEXT!"
And then there was one.
Hey, time out! Did you hear that? Sounds like something out in the yard. The neighbor's dog is barking quite loud. Meh, I'll check it in a minute. Your notes are starting to get a little scratchy here, damn this last post-it note is quite hard to read "Just me, myself, I and that platform, just 5 steps away. The light turned on. I could hear the angry eyed spider-squid in the jar getting restless and splashing GOO everywhere WITH THE SUCKFEST THAT AWAITED ME! That ONE EYED BITCH was hungry and wanted me from the sounds of it sucking eagerly on the sides of its jar. I stepped onto the platform."
Hey, time out again! I definitely just heard something. Sounded like a crash from the back bedroom window. Not cool... not cool... it's them! Shit, it's the "Out-of-Towners" and they don't look a damn bit happy either, seems I didn't keep YOUR PROMISE!
Gotta read this shit quick... "After waiting several minutes the lights finally came on. Immediately several more greenies came running out with additional jars of spider-squids, all gurgling in their jars - the sound of SUCKING everywhere! There were horrifying screams from the corners of the room. I looked down. My whole crotch was...
AGENT NEPTUNE
