Sunday!!! Sunday!!! Sunday!!!

"Sunday!!! Sunday!!! Sunday!!!"

Attention all gods, lords, deities, and other all powerful all knowing enthusiasts!

This Sunday at the Oort Cloud Convention Center we are having a mega-multidimensional extravaganza sale of Universal proportions!

Come on out and mingle with other gods...

BUY! SELL! TRADE!

We have all the superior shit right here! Be sure to check out our package deals on new Planet/Star systems too!!! We got books, videos, special speakers, BILLIONS of booths to choose from for your everyday godlike needs. ALSO, The "Deity Solutions" staff will be available for questioning as well. You'll get the opportunity to see the next step in maintenance free super-ultimate control...

"T.H.O.R."

THOR (Totalitarianistic Harassing Orbiting Robot) comes with a weather modification grid, equipped with 50,000 degrees F, 100,000 mph, 1 BILLION volts per 1000 ft attitude adjusters, Grey Alien repellent and truth suppression. With its persuasive lightning strikes to correct behavior deviations within your lifeforms, this BOT really packs a punch... promoting fear and obedience. THOR also comes packaged with state of the art revolutionary atheist elimination and fundamental ideology enhancers.

For beginners, this one stop shop is located just one light year near the star system "SOL"! Watch out for those pesky comets though. We've been in business 4.6 Billion years serving the needs of gods all across this crazy ass multidimensional Universe.

Promoting the FEAR OF DEATH will make your worship and praise levels fly right off the planetary scale. Time tested and true!

SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? A SUPER-NOVA?

THERE'S FREE PARKING TOO!!! 

Lets face it, routine maintenance on your kingdoms can be a real bitch and quite time consuming. It can totally wear your ass out! Resulting in BILLIONS of inhabitants of your worlds to loose faith in you, causing war, disease, poverty and accidental nuclear winters. FUCK THAT SHIT! Take some time off and let THOR take over.

LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT OUR STOCK SHALL WE?

We have shit loads of inventory that must go! Bargain basement prices on everything! We got mind control, pain control, pain-free amendable religion coded Ad-Hoc Bibles with the latest downloaded updates, for the entrepreneurs... we have a civilization start-up seminar with stand in prophets to support your kingly and divine word. AND GET THIS FOLKS!!!! We just got in a whole galactic transport of the new Jesus 2.0 upgrades. Ready for deployment!!! One Jesus not working...fuck it send down three!

We also take in Jesii TRADE IN'S TOO!!!

PUSH

PULL

or

DRAG!!!

Now's the time to also spruce up those burning fires of HELL

with a new and improved 

POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT SATAN!!!

Looking to trade in that old Universe?

 - Have you lost control of your beings?
 - Are they getting out of hand?
 - Have they figured you out? Learned SCIENCE and left you!
 - Is their evolving process of critical thinking rendering you OBSOLETE?

 - Fundamentalism's not keeping up with the evolutionary curve?

Then get a fresh new start with one of these BIG BANGS!

CHECK OUT OUR NEW COMBO'S!!!

1. Single Planet/Star system - 100,000 Neanderthal population, easily influenced and full of FEAR! - Great for Beginners!

2. Multi-Planet/Solar System - 1 million population of pre-industrial society, moldable and fearful... will make sacrifices to you! Guaranteed worship and praise or your money back!

3. The Galaxy Gansta Pimp package - this all inclusive 200,000 light-year in diameter galaxy comes with all the bells and whistles! Ideal for the experienced Deity! Billions of inhabited planets, an endless amount of groveling fearing lifeforms, guaranteed praise and worship! This package also comes with a 15 Billion year limited warranty against supernovas, black holes and meteors! Special financing available!

Pimpin your galaxy is not easy! Being in control of it all can sometimes be a little overwhelming. That's why we have provided real-time up-linking to the Multi-Phasic Universal mainframe giving you that ass-kicking omniscient all knowing power and inflated sense of self esteem!!!

Our 24 Hour on call "Deity Solutions" staff can help you with all your needs and questions!

DS: "Deity Solutions, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Yeah, God124672 here, I can't seem to find my car keys, can you help me?"
DS: "Check beneath the drivers seat of your vehicle, you will find them."
Customer: "Thank You Deity Solutions! You guys are the greatest!"


So unless your mind has slipped on a banana peal and you have accidentally back flipped into the 39th dimension, you better get you ass down here!

Once again...

Sunday!!! Sunday!!! Sunday!!!

Oort Cloud Convention Center!

AGENT NEPTUNE

You are a fluke of the universe.

You are a fluke of the universe.

You are a fluke of the universe. 

You have no right to be here...

Deteriorata. Deteriorata...

Go placidly amid the noise and waste,..

And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof...

Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep...

Rotate your tires...

Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,..

And heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys...

Know what to kiss, and when...

Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three do...

Wherever possible, put people on hold...

Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,..

and despite the changing fortunes of time,..

There is always a big future in computer maintenance...

You are a fluke of the universe...

You have no right to be here...

And whether you can hear it or not,..

The universe is laughing behind your back...

Remember The Pueblo...

Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate...

Know yourself...

If you need help, call the FBI...

Exercise caution in your daily affairs,..

Especially with those persons closest to you -..

That lemon on your left, for instance...

Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls..

Would scarcely get your feet wet...

Fall not in love therefore. It will stick to your face...

Gracefully surrender the things of youth: birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan...

And let not the sands of time get in your lunch...

Hire people with hooks...

For a good time, call 606-4311. Ask for Ken...

Take heart in the bedeepening gloom..

That your dog is finally getting enough cheese...

And reflect that whatever fortune may be your lot,..

It could only be worse in Milwaukee...

You are a fluke of the universe...

You have no right to be here...

And whether you can hear it or not,..

The universe is laughing behind your back...

Therefore, make peace with your god,..

Whatever you perceive him to be - hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin...

With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal,..

The world continues to deteriorate...

Give up!..

You are a fluke of the universe...

You have no right to be here...

And whether you can hear it or not,..

The universe is laughing behind your back...

You are a fluke of the universe...

You have no right to be here...

And whether you can hear it or not,..

The universe is laughing behind your back...

~ THE LOST PARABLES OF T.H.

Scrapped at The First Council of Nicaea in favor of toilet tissue. Lost for centuries... Remnants were found written on a restroom wall at a bowling alley in 1972 - my first pimp ever.

AGENT NEPTUNE

Trouble blogging? Try LAX-A-THOT!

I've actually had a little bit of free time from my BUSY AS HELL life and thought I'd re-post since the piece of shit internet service provider I have is always going down for hours on end. I was forced to turn to TV. It didn't take long before it pissed me off. Flipping through the channels... I felt like I was surfing in ....Nebraska.... and while watching, I noticed several commercials about new drugs...

But what the hell are they really?

We get a nice 30 second snippet about some old man on the beach with his clams living longer, but what the hell drug enhances the act of old men with clams? I'm supposed to talk to my doctor about it. Why don't they just come out and say what the drug is for?

I got bored and grabbed a note pad and started to create my own drug. Something that would help bloggers FUCKING THINK! Something that would help ones memory to SPEW FORTH something different, inspiring and more creative. Then suddenly the green florescent light bulb of manic creativity came over me...

"LAX-A-THOT"

Are you easily amazed or blind sided by simple shit?

Do you enjoy walking backwards on escalators or waving your hand in front of automatic doors?

Is the drama in your life an odyssey of epic proportions? 

Obsessed with pushing the water fountain button?

DO YOU like sitting in front of your television with your fingers crossed 

watching numbered lottery ping pong balls?

Do you tune in to FOX News, or turn on to corporate smegma fomunda cheese burgers?

OR

Has your LIFE been reduced to an obtuse piece of floatsom in on ocean of irrelevance?

If you answered "YES" to any of these questions chances are you are STUPID and need to consider avoiding the reproduction process. Stay away from sharp objects and consider yourself "Dumbed and Dangerous".

BUT...

As a full grown adult, do you worry about that monster that can penetrate your bed sheets. Do your day dreams get out of control causing you to suffer day terrors? While your children are laughing and jumping around with the 'Pizza Time Players' at 'Chuck E. Cheese' theater, do you go mad in fear from this host of holy horrors by spastically hitting your head against the wall. DO YOU set your hair on fire to kill the evil army of invisible noogie elves? DO YOU fear god and every time you pray and he hands you a 7-10 split with a marble.

If so, you are suffering from a condition called "Botched Thought", your blogging has gone to shit and you resort to ripping creative thoughts and ideas from other individuals - but fear not "LAX-A-THOT" is just for you!


Sometimes thoughts are like turds and need to work their way out of your head. You want to 'think them out', but the same old shit gets translated into latent content by your subconscious. Your mind pussies it's way out by protecting your inner child or some shit and that good old thought of fucking that bean bag chair when you were TRASHED just wont work it's way out!

AND THAT'S WHERE LAX-A-THOT COMES IN!

You're a grown adult by this time and (PTSD) post-traumatic stress disorder needs its ass fist-fucked to the curb! The way LAX-A-THOT works is simple - it turns your brain into a luvin neurotransmitter party! By playing an easy 70's soul tune in your temporal lobe, it relaxes the post-synaptic cells to the point of passing out on the couch while leaving their receptor holes wide open - yeah baby! And from there the presynaptic cell can move on in and get some - blowing their neurotransmitter wad without getting bitch slapped or blue-balled reuptaken!

That's when the real party starts!

Because by this time all the other swinging presynaptic cells have noticed this "action potential" and move on in and circle around the passed out post-synaptic cell and blast their chemical messages all over it as well... ohhh yeah! Brain porn at its best! The next morning you wake up energetic, those entire skeleton closets blown out!

Hell, your memory is so sharp you can remember your first diaper change. Here's some examples...

Before LAX-A-THOT

"Uhh, like there were these bad monsters that came from the ground and like did bad stuff to people" ~ guy


After LAX-A-THOT

"Got some good news and some bad news, after millennia of non-confrontation, the skull fucking C.H.U.D.'s from deep below the planets crust have finally reached the surface on the West Coast and are voraciously eating fundamentalist pigs and pissing gasoline all over the fucking place!!! - Bad news is their heading west..." ~ guy later

Seeeeeeee! Bickity bam!

Then when someone asks you... "When are you going to blog again? What do you have writers block?"

Your proud response can be ... "I have no blockage - I just have a major load of shit on my plate right now. I'd tell you about it but your head would likely explode or you'd end up in another dimension. The anti-matter temporal-anomaly residue would cause the fabric of time to collide with nature. All that would be left would be the genetically fucked incoherent fly-shit belching bullfrog's philosophy on how reptilian tritium flatulence made human bloggers become extinct".

"LAX-A-THOT" is not for everyone - those barely alive or still breathing should consider these side effects before taking "LAX-A-THOT".

ACT NOW!!! Call within the next 10 minutes and get a free trail of "BOTCH-A-THOT" -  "Guilt Free" - when the thought of coitus interruptus with a bean bag chair is just too much to handle. Guaranteed overnight shipment or you'll receive a free bean bag chair at no charge.

LAX-A-THOT - Side effects may include - headache/sore throat/vomiting/leaking eyeball/squirt walk/ass voice/3rd nut/Chuck Norris hallucinations/carnival music/disappearing penis/satanic hillbilly fire/brain-squid/unemployment/NDE's/alien abduction/instant materialization in Kansas/falling in love with a girl named Sarah/dry mouth/olfactory epithelium chemtrails/mustache and mullet burn/purple dragon showing up at door and kicking your ass.

AGENT NEPTUNE

Backyard Deity Brawls #37: Spazz Jesus vs. Satan's Dog

With a sinister grin, Spazz Jesus crashes out the front door of his tool shed with a fired up gas powered chainsaw. Satan's dog retaliates by grabbing one of his own. They both charge at each other in a fence side duel locking chains and destroying both weapons. Then SJ goes to hop the fence but crotch hound keeps creating the illusion of more fences. After SJ tires and falls to the ground, asshole nut mutt holds out his paw and offers SJ a truce. Feeling disgusted and filled with despair, he agrees to the terms but when SJ goes to shake on it he finds himself shaking his own nutsack instead.

In a delusional fit, SJ vows revenge…

"I'll chase him 'round the moons of Neptune

 and 'round the Suburban Maelstrom and 'round perdition's flames before I give him up!"

Frustrated beyond the ninth circle of hell, SJ begins his assault. He doesn't just hop the fence, he deletes it like a bad hologram prop. His four legged opponent retaliates swiftly with a burst of thought fuckery - exploding SJ's nutsack into a thousand pieces. Completely unimpressed with this move, SJ clones himself, mind melds with the clone, picks up his old body and tosses it in the air - setting it ablaze with a summoned firestorm from his backyard hibachi and catapults the Molotov Jesus at nut mutt splattering it into a smoky chum hellhole.

"Is that all you got Nazarene?" laughed the malevolent mutt.

Infuriated and enraged, Spazz Jesus (using a single thought) creates a legion of psycho sky-gremlins with blowtorches for eyes. He then mind fucks them into blind obedience and sends them over to the devil dog's lair with then intent of utterly destroying the ball coveting beastie. Surrounded by an all-star team of eyeball blazing scorching deliverers of incineration, the assault works its way into the street. SJ picks up a sewer lid… 

Everyone: Car !

(car passes) 

Everyone: Game on !

… and flings it at the hell hound but it catches it like a Frisbee and uses it as a shield but it's too late - the legion of psycho sky-gremlins begin their pillaging. The dog flog smack down continues until the beast is left in a rubble of ash. But the rubble of ash still has some cellular activity and takes over SJ's thoughts by making him think he's getting ambushed by his own army. He quickly gathers his thoughts and shakes it off, passes around an arsenal of super-soakers to his gang (filled with a fine mix of Xylene and holy water), strikes a match and tosses it as the final bukakke begins leaving the remaining evil cells smoldering in a crimson fire of carnage. 

But... unsatisfied with that, he takes his anger out on the atoms of the evil cells by splitting them and turning the shit sniffer into an exploding H-Bomb ... then kicks the H-Bombs ass for blowing up too close to him. Still angered, SJ takes a radioactive shit on the fucking neighbor's doorstep so toxic it kills the next 300 years of flies within a 600 mile radius. He then rings the doorbell, asks for toilet paper, proudly wipes his deity ass cramming the toilet paper into the neighbors face, blogs about it and rubs one off in victory to himself!

AGENT NEPTUNE