BURNING PINE FOREST FROM HELL!

On this very night, ten years ago, along this very stretch of road in a dense fog just like this. I had to take the worst piss ever. The next exit off the interstate was not for another 200 miles (actually more like 20) but the Monster energy drink was burning a hole through my peepee bag.

Quickly, I scrambled for the empty can twisting and turning with one hand on the wheel and the other carefully guiding the hell fire wizz back into the green and black container. AWWWWWW!!! It was the sound of a port-o-potty being dropped from the Empire State Building.

And when I lowered my window to throw the topped off can out... the wind caught it and SPRAYED PISS ALL OVER MY FACE!!!

((((Large Marge laugh))))

So anygoddamnways...

Last night same thing but I managed to make it to a gas station. Pulled up hopped out and did the URINE ZOMBIE LIMP to the men's room. Fuck I was in pain. At one time I had kicked the peeing habit but fell off the wagon and now standing there like on life support with the urinal.

The heavy door shut behind me when I heard a sloshing sound coming from my feet. There was A QUARTER INCH pond of ammonia all over the floor. Fuck!

Oh HELL! I had to hold my breath while trying to take a 4 minute piss!!! AWWW!!! Not good not good gotta keep pissing but losing consciousness. Shit EYES EARS NOSE THROAT BURNING!!!

I knew at this point it was either piss myself and run out the men's room or die!!! Feeling faint not strong ... enough... to open... the heavy... DOOR! Slipping in ammonia and piss ... coughing worse than Bobby Brady in the Towering Inferno ... can't open door.

Can't turn the knob... falling to knees... gonna die with my wiener out!!! NOOOOOO! Then I thought to myself...

I'M TOO MUCH OF AN ASSHOLE I'm not going down like this! I hit the hand dryer and it blew the toxic air away from me for a brief second. I opened the door and got the ... fuck ... out ... ALIVE!

However, for the next 4 hours my brain smelled like a BURNING PINE FOREST FROM HELL!

Nice CSI cleaning job in the bathroom there champ!

AGENT NEPTUNE

WHEELCHAIRS YOU WISH YOU HAD!!!

AERODYNAMIC LAND JET! GUARANTEED ASS!

IT'S A UFO! IT'S AN ALIEN! IT'S HANDLES LIKE A SHOPPING CART! MAKE 90 DEGREE ANGLES AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT! CROP CIRCLES? SHIT YEAH!

TAKE A SHIT, MOW THE LAWN, PERM YOUR HAIR!

THE HAWKSTER!

WHICH

LEADS

TO

ASS!

(what swagger)

THE MFFT! MOTHER FUCKING FLAME THROWER!

WHEN I LEFT I WAS BUT THE LEANER. NOW I AM THE ROLLER!

FEAR!

WHAT'S A MOSH PIT WITHOUT A WHEELCHAIR?!? NOT A MOSH PIT!!!

GO COMPLETELY FUCKING GAGA OVER THIS GAGA

SET OF MECHANICAL ADVANTAGE SPOKESTERS!!!

MA=Fb/Fa=a/b+BONER!

DEMONSTRATE YOUR WHEELATUDE LIKE THIS 

BADASS MIDGET TAKING HIS FREAK

FOR A WALK! FFS!

PATIO CHAIR POWER!

MAKE STEPS YOUR BITCH!

TAKE ON A TRI-OVAL WALL AT 200 MPH IN THIS #3 

DALE EARNHARDT CRIMPED OUT CHARIOT!

THE WHACKED BY JASON SERIES 9000 -

 CAPABLE OF HANDLING 48 STEPS BACKWARDS!!!

KAPOW!!! FUCKERS!!! A CHAIR YOU'D ACTUALLY BREAK YOUR LEGS FOR!

THE FUTURE OF CANINE RACING!!!

DROP A $5 SPOT AND HAVE A BEER, HAVE A LAUGH!

WALKING IS FOR CHUMPS!

TIRED OF BULLSHIT? THIS SEARCH AND DESTROY MOBILE UNIT

EASILY JUSTIFIES ITS EXISTENCE!

THE WALL-E WHEELED TANK!

THE 3 WHEELED CHICK MAGNET!

TRADE IN THOSE 72 VIRGINS ON THIS

BEAST AND HARNESS THE RAYS OF SOL!

and last but not least...

THE STUNT DRUNK!

Alright enough.

I gotta go.

AGENT NEPTUNE