Trouble blogging? Try LAX-A-THOT!

I've actually had a little bit of free time from my BUSY AS HELL life and thought I'd re-post since the piece of shit internet service provider I have is always going down for hours on end. I was forced to turn to TV. It didn't take long before it pissed me off. Flipping through the channels... I felt like I was surfing in ....Nebraska.... and while watching, I noticed several commercials about new drugs...

But what the hell are they really?

We get a nice 30 second snippet about some old man on the beach with his clams living longer, but what the hell drug enhances the act of old men with clams? I'm supposed to talk to my doctor about it. Why don't they just come out and say what the drug is for?

I got bored and grabbed a note pad and started to create my own drug. Something that would help bloggers FUCKING THINK! Something that would help ones memory to SPEW FORTH something different, inspiring and more creative. Then suddenly the green florescent light bulb of manic creativity came over me...

"LAX-A-THOT"

Are you easily amazed or blind sided by simple shit?

Do you enjoy walking backwards on escalators or waving your hand in front of automatic doors?

Is the drama in your life an odyssey of epic proportions? 

Obsessed with pushing the water fountain button?

DO YOU like sitting in front of your television with your fingers crossed 

watching numbered lottery ping pong balls?

Do you tune in to FOX News, or turn on to corporate smegma fomunda cheese burgers?

OR

Has your LIFE been reduced to an obtuse piece of floatsom in on ocean of irrelevance?

If you answered "YES" to any of these questions chances are you are STUPID and need to consider avoiding the reproduction process. Stay away from sharp objects and consider yourself "Dumbed and Dangerous".

BUT...

As a full grown adult, do you worry about that monster that can penetrate your bed sheets. Do your day dreams get out of control causing you to suffer day terrors? While your children are laughing and jumping around with the 'Pizza Time Players' at 'Chuck E. Cheese' theater, do you go mad in fear from this host of holy horrors by spastically hitting your head against the wall. DO YOU set your hair on fire to kill the evil army of invisible noogie elves? DO YOU fear god and every time you pray and he hands you a 7-10 split with a marble.

If so, you are suffering from a condition called "Botched Thought", your blogging has gone to shit and you resort to ripping creative thoughts and ideas from other individuals - but fear not "LAX-A-THOT" is just for you!


Sometimes thoughts are like turds and need to work their way out of your head. You want to 'think them out', but the same old shit gets translated into latent content by your subconscious. Your mind pussies it's way out by protecting your inner child or some shit and that good old thought of fucking that bean bag chair when you were TRASHED just wont work it's way out!

AND THAT'S WHERE LAX-A-THOT COMES IN!

You're a grown adult by this time and (PTSD) post-traumatic stress disorder needs its ass fist-fucked to the curb! The way LAX-A-THOT works is simple - it turns your brain into a luvin neurotransmitter party! By playing an easy 70's soul tune in your temporal lobe, it relaxes the post-synaptic cells to the point of passing out on the couch while leaving their receptor holes wide open - yeah baby! And from there the presynaptic cell can move on in and get some - blowing their neurotransmitter wad without getting bitch slapped or blue-balled reuptaken!

That's when the real party starts!

Because by this time all the other swinging presynaptic cells have noticed this "action potential" and move on in and circle around the passed out post-synaptic cell and blast their chemical messages all over it as well... ohhh yeah! Brain porn at its best! The next morning you wake up energetic, those entire skeleton closets blown out!

Hell, your memory is so sharp you can remember your first diaper change. Here's some examples...

Before LAX-A-THOT

"Uhh, like there were these bad monsters that came from the ground and like did bad stuff to people" ~ guy


After LAX-A-THOT

"Got some good news and some bad news, after millennia of non-confrontation, the skull fucking C.H.U.D.'s from deep below the planets crust have finally reached the surface on the West Coast and are voraciously eating fundamentalist pigs and pissing gasoline all over the fucking place!!! - Bad news is their heading west..." ~ guy later

Seeeeeeee! Bickity bam!

Then when someone asks you... "When are you going to blog again? What do you have writers block?"

Your proud response can be ... "I have no blockage - I just have a major load of shit on my plate right now. I'd tell you about it but your head would likely explode or you'd end up in another dimension. The anti-matter temporal-anomaly residue would cause the fabric of time to collide with nature. All that would be left would be the genetically fucked incoherent fly-shit belching bullfrog's philosophy on how reptilian tritium flatulence made human bloggers become extinct".

"LAX-A-THOT" is not for everyone - those barely alive or still breathing should consider these side effects before taking "LAX-A-THOT".

ACT NOW!!! Call within the next 10 minutes and get a free trail of "BOTCH-A-THOT" -  "Guilt Free" - when the thought of coitus interruptus with a bean bag chair is just too much to handle. Guaranteed overnight shipment or you'll receive a free bean bag chair at no charge.

LAX-A-THOT - Side effects may include - headache/sore throat/vomiting/leaking eyeball/squirt walk/ass voice/3rd nut/Chuck Norris hallucinations/carnival music/disappearing penis/satanic hillbilly fire/brain-squid/unemployment/NDE's/alien abduction/instant materialization in Kansas/falling in love with a girl named Sarah/dry mouth/olfactory epithelium chemtrails/mustache and mullet burn/purple dragon showing up at door and kicking your ass.

AGENT NEPTUNE