ZOMBIES AT THE BOATHOUSE!

Freedom of choice

Is what you got

Freedom from choice

Is what you want…

If you're wielding a white-hot chainsaw and YOUR CHOICE is to back into a closet while being chased by a zombie witch - make sure the god-damned thing has enough gas in it to complete the job. It's just common sense. Unfortunately, one of my cohorts (a Waffle House cook on the run) learned that GAS GAGES ARE AN AMAZING THING! Now he's dead. The lower half of his body is now somewhere in a nearby cornfield. I just tossed his head in a bonfire.

It's still looking at me.

Well, the latest horde of zombies seems to have settled down. They're just kind of wandering around doing nothing at the moment (like golfers or something). My hideout? A boarded up boathouse with shit-tons of ammunition. We got brain removing AA-12 automatic shotguns (fuckers can decommission a T-Rex quicker than a MySpace blog), shit-tons of pistols, pipe-bombs, Molotov cocktails, Lortab laced LAX-A-THOT, and PISS BOMBS! That's right...

PISS BOMBS!   

In this action scene below - one can see wondering zombies

achieving the same results as golfers do after 18 holes.

The graffiti on the walls left by previous survivors can be quite informing - such as how to get generators up and running, safe routes of passage to military evacs, etc. This is where we learned that along with the brain, they crave HUMAN PISS! I don't know if it's a delicacy or some shit... but it causes a bizarre reaction! The zombies will lick it, roll over it, kick at it, and generally go nuts for several minutes. Then they lose interest and walk away. Two hours later, the infected attacker will come back and have exactly the same response.

One must be careful where taking a piss. Simply walking out into an open field to urinate will likely result in ones body getting covered in zombies like a tootsie-pop covered in ants. A brief scouting of your surroundings is always wise before the release of urine. Another helpful tip is to simply learn how to stop peeing BUT that's a completely different adventure.

MIND OVER BLADDER!

The recipe for making a PISS BOMB is rather simple. Take a 24 FL OZ (1.5 PT) 710mL container of Mountain Dew and piss in it. ((((QUIETLY!)))) Have a flaming Molotov standing by. Loosen cap... Wait for that fuck-stick fellow freeloading survivor that's been a complete cockhole for the past 3 days by almost blowing your cover, talking shit non-stop, poking every fly-swarming body part with a stick to see if it's still alive... push them out the back door of the house and grenade their braggadouching ass in HELL-FIRE WIZZ! Wait for the attacking hoard... then Molotov explode the goddamn moshpit.

Then run for the evacuation boat for the win!

Well... I'm on the run and 474 words is better than none.

AGENT NEPTUNE