Trouble blogging? Try LAX-A-THOT!

I've actually had a little bit of free time from my BUSY AS HELL life and thought I'd re-post since the piece of shit internet service provider I have is always going down for hours on end. I was forced to turn to TV. It didn't take long before it pissed me off. Flipping through the channels... I felt like I was surfing in ....Nebraska.... and while watching, I noticed several commercials about new drugs...

But what the hell are they really?

We get a nice 30 second snippet about some old man on the beach with his clams living longer, but what the hell drug enhances the act of old men with clams? I'm supposed to talk to my doctor about it. Why don't they just come out and say what the drug is for?

I got bored and grabbed a note pad and started to create my own drug. Something that would help bloggers FUCKING THINK! Something that would help ones memory to SPEW FORTH something different, inspiring and more creative. Then suddenly the green florescent light bulb of manic creativity came over me...

"LAX-A-THOT"

Are you easily amazed or blind sided by simple shit?

Do you enjoy walking backwards on escalators or waving your hand in front of automatic doors?

Is the drama in your life an odyssey of epic proportions? 

Obsessed with pushing the water fountain button?

DO YOU like sitting in front of your television with your fingers crossed 

watching numbered lottery ping pong balls?

Do you tune in to FOX News, or turn on to corporate smegma fomunda cheese burgers?

OR

Has your LIFE been reduced to an obtuse piece of floatsom in on ocean of irrelevance?

If you answered "YES" to any of these questions chances are you are STUPID and need to consider avoiding the reproduction process. Stay away from sharp objects and consider yourself "Dumbed and Dangerous".

BUT...

As a full grown adult, do you worry about that monster that can penetrate your bed sheets. Do your day dreams get out of control causing you to suffer day terrors? While your children are laughing and jumping around with the 'Pizza Time Players' at 'Chuck E. Cheese' theater, do you go mad in fear from this host of holy horrors by spastically hitting your head against the wall. DO YOU set your hair on fire to kill the evil army of invisible noogie elves? DO YOU fear god and every time you pray and he hands you a 7-10 split with a marble.

If so, you are suffering from a condition called "Botched Thought", your blogging has gone to shit and you resort to ripping creative thoughts and ideas from other individuals - but fear not "LAX-A-THOT" is just for you!


Sometimes thoughts are like turds and need to work their way out of your head. You want to 'think them out', but the same old shit gets translated into latent content by your subconscious. Your mind pussies it's way out by protecting your inner child or some shit and that good old thought of fucking that bean bag chair when you were TRASHED just wont work it's way out!

AND THAT'S WHERE LAX-A-THOT COMES IN!

You're a grown adult by this time and (PTSD) post-traumatic stress disorder needs its ass fist-fucked to the curb! The way LAX-A-THOT works is simple - it turns your brain into a luvin neurotransmitter party! By playing an easy 70's soul tune in your temporal lobe, it relaxes the post-synaptic cells to the point of passing out on the couch while leaving their receptor holes wide open - yeah baby! And from there the presynaptic cell can move on in and get some - blowing their neurotransmitter wad without getting bitch slapped or blue-balled reuptaken!

That's when the real party starts!

Because by this time all the other swinging presynaptic cells have noticed this "action potential" and move on in and circle around the passed out post-synaptic cell and blast their chemical messages all over it as well... ohhh yeah! Brain porn at its best! The next morning you wake up energetic, those entire skeleton closets blown out!

Hell, your memory is so sharp you can remember your first diaper change. Here's some examples...

Before LAX-A-THOT

"Uhh, like there were these bad monsters that came from the ground and like did bad stuff to people" ~ guy


After LAX-A-THOT

"Got some good news and some bad news, after millennia of non-confrontation, the skull fucking C.H.U.D.'s from deep below the planets crust have finally reached the surface on the West Coast and are voraciously eating fundamentalist pigs and pissing gasoline all over the fucking place!!! - Bad news is their heading west..." ~ guy later

Seeeeeeee! Bickity bam!

Then when someone asks you... "When are you going to blog again? What do you have writers block?"

Your proud response can be ... "I have no blockage - I just have a major load of shit on my plate right now. I'd tell you about it but your head would likely explode or you'd end up in another dimension. The anti-matter temporal-anomaly residue would cause the fabric of time to collide with nature. All that would be left would be the genetically fucked incoherent fly-shit belching bullfrog's philosophy on how reptilian tritium flatulence made human bloggers become extinct".

"LAX-A-THOT" is not for everyone - those barely alive or still breathing should consider these side effects before taking "LAX-A-THOT".

ACT NOW!!! Call within the next 10 minutes and get a free trail of "BOTCH-A-THOT" -  "Guilt Free" - when the thought of coitus interruptus with a bean bag chair is just too much to handle. Guaranteed overnight shipment or you'll receive a free bean bag chair at no charge.

LAX-A-THOT - Side effects may include - headache/sore throat/vomiting/leaking eyeball/squirt walk/ass voice/3rd nut/Chuck Norris hallucinations/carnival music/disappearing penis/satanic hillbilly fire/brain-squid/unemployment/NDE's/alien abduction/instant materialization in Kansas/falling in love with a girl named Sarah/dry mouth/olfactory epithelium chemtrails/mustache and mullet burn/purple dragon showing up at door and kicking your ass.

AGENT NEPTUNE

Backyard Deity Brawls #37: Spazz Jesus vs. Satan's Dog

With a sinister grin, Spazz Jesus crashes out the front door of his tool shed with a fired up gas powered chainsaw. Satan's dog retaliates by grabbing one of his own. They both charge at each other in a fence side duel locking chains and destroying both weapons. Then SJ goes to hop the fence but crotch hound keeps creating the illusion of more fences. After SJ tires and falls to the ground, asshole nut mutt holds out his paw and offers SJ a truce. Feeling disgusted and filled with despair, he agrees to the terms but when SJ goes to shake on it he finds himself shaking his own nutsack instead.

In a delusional fit, SJ vows revenge…

"I'll chase him 'round the moons of Neptune

 and 'round the Suburban Maelstrom and 'round perdition's flames before I give him up!"

Frustrated beyond the ninth circle of hell, SJ begins his assault. He doesn't just hop the fence, he deletes it like a bad hologram prop. His four legged opponent retaliates swiftly with a burst of thought fuckery - exploding SJ's nutsack into a thousand pieces. Completely unimpressed with this move, SJ clones himself, mind melds with the clone, picks up his old body and tosses it in the air - setting it ablaze with a summoned firestorm from his backyard hibachi and catapults the Molotov Jesus at nut mutt splattering it into a smoky chum hellhole.

"Is that all you got Nazarene?" laughed the malevolent mutt.

Infuriated and enraged, Spazz Jesus (using a single thought) creates a legion of psycho sky-gremlins with blowtorches for eyes. He then mind fucks them into blind obedience and sends them over to the devil dog's lair with then intent of utterly destroying the ball coveting beastie. Surrounded by an all-star team of eyeball blazing scorching deliverers of incineration, the assault works its way into the street. SJ picks up a sewer lid… 

Everyone: Car !

(car passes) 

Everyone: Game on !

… and flings it at the hell hound but it catches it like a Frisbee and uses it as a shield but it's too late - the legion of psycho sky-gremlins begin their pillaging. The dog flog smack down continues until the beast is left in a rubble of ash. But the rubble of ash still has some cellular activity and takes over SJ's thoughts by making him think he's getting ambushed by his own army. He quickly gathers his thoughts and shakes it off, passes around an arsenal of super-soakers to his gang (filled with a fine mix of Xylene and holy water), strikes a match and tosses it as the final bukakke begins leaving the remaining evil cells smoldering in a crimson fire of carnage. 

But... unsatisfied with that, he takes his anger out on the atoms of the evil cells by splitting them and turning the shit sniffer into an exploding H-Bomb ... then kicks the H-Bombs ass for blowing up too close to him. Still angered, SJ takes a radioactive shit on the fucking neighbor's doorstep so toxic it kills the next 300 years of flies within a 600 mile radius. He then rings the doorbell, asks for toilet paper, proudly wipes his deity ass cramming the toilet paper into the neighbors face, blogs about it and rubs one off in victory to himself!

AGENT NEPTUNE

Close Encounters of the 4th Kind

"Close Encounters of the 4th Kind"

(or it could have just been a nightmare that really sucked)

NOTE TO SELF:

That's right you! Agent Neptune or whatever the heck you call yourself these days. It's "ME" - yourself. I'm writing this letter to you (my future self) because you probably went and opened your big mouth and told a bunch of people about that little incident with the "Out-of-Towners" in the form of a blog. You didn't keep your promise (like you said you would) and "they" sure as HELL kept theirs (like they said they would) by returning to wipe out your memories of the entire incident with their intergalactic thought-knockers. You're lucky they didn't pull a "Bob Crane" on your (our asses) during that night. I've taken all the gibberish that you had apparently scribbled down on several 'post it' notes and here's your story…

What makes us die in our sleep?

Seems you had finally figured it out. When people die in their sleep, it's because they had one of "these" hellish episodes while sleeping. You had an absolutely bizarre, very shocking dream (a brief visit to the mental ward of hell) with some outlandish mind hocus pocus that would have killed Freddy Krueger or an elderly person instantly. (please no Freddy Krueger pictures in my comments)

Perhaps something was making you Bat-Shit Crazy?

Just lying there in bed, you abruptly woke up (well somewhat woke up). Well, maybe you were kind of still sleeping. Hell, it was the middle of the night, you kind of knew it was a dream, but everything seemed a little too real. Your mind was racing and you were lying backwards in your bed. So you got up, walked towards the bathroom. Thinking to yourself...

What the hell is wrong with me?

1. Did that god-damned Sandman slip me some Necrohol?

2. Did I OD on Lax-a-Thot? Again?!?

3. Is there a "Nightly Intruder" I haven't discovered yet?

4. Did I accidentally drink the warm beer sitting next to the computer instead of the cold one before going to bed?

5. Did Wolf Spider eggs hatch deep within my nose and ears?

6. Am I just Bat-Shit Crazy?

or...

7. While on my trip to the Everglades, was I gang-banged by alligators, thrown into the trunk of an old rusty Chevy while tied up and bound with duct tape, forced to participate in reptile-like Dagobah porn, only to escape by trudging through 30 miles of swamp like Nevada Smith, THEN to get captured and mounted by Swamp Thing to awake back to my motel with my large intestine filled will eggs?

8. Forget number 7 ... that's a completely different blog.

Alright now, got lost there for a sec, where the hell was I? Oh yeah...

Staggering half asleep, you managed to get to the bathroom. This is when all the shit started getting really bizarre! The bathroom suddenly turned into a long dark alley, the sink, medicine cabinet, and faucets started turning into sporadic lights, circuits and switches. The mirror morphed into a huge glowing monitor, with what appeared to be a schematic diagram of yourself with technical information scrolling down its screen with an array of physical symptoms.

I think this is when you might have lost it.

"There were voices, I heard other people moving about. I was no longer in my bathroom but in some kind of strange laboratory. I found myself in a group of people walking down a long hallway. We were all stripped of our clothing. There were echoes from around the large room and then a translated Stephen Hawking like voice came over a PA system addressing all of us who were confused as shit"

OR, maybe you were quite sane, just completely screwed...

PA VOICE: "We deeply regret the situation you are in and what inconveniences we have caused you - while passing through your system, we accidentally dumped our lavatory core too close to your atmosphere, you have been contaminated, we have brought you to our vessel to fix the problem. Simply put, in your terms - WE ACCIDENTALLY SHIT ON YOU GUYS!"

Then came the manic outburst from all the other abductees, people were completely pissed and began flipping out! Brilliant colorful metaphors from all around the world were deeply expressed and one could just feel the love around the room as everyone lashed out in anger with such GREAT HITS as:

1. Get me the fuck out of here now! You Fuck-Muppets!

2. You gots to be shitting me...  You shit on us?

3. I do believe in spooks. I do believe in spooks. I do! I do! I do! I do believe in spooks. I do believe in spooks. I do! I do! I do! I do!

4. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

5. AAAAAAA!

6. Fantastic. Mid-coitus. Fantastic!

7. Again? Next time take the woman!

8. HaHaHaHaHaHa! Were all gonna die!!!

9. Was vom Teufel?

10. Take my husband instead!

11. Mutha fuckas!?!? Awww, no no no! Edit undo!

12. I'll be dipped in shit! That's the last mutha-fuckin time I ever drop acid and watch Sesame Street.

13. I wasn't looking at his neck!

14. OHHHMYGODNOOWANNAGOOHHNOOWANNAGOOO (((zzzizzizp)))

and much much more!

PA VOICE: "Our ultra-violet light beam will reveal your contaminated area's with a bright green glow. Once identified, we will clean and sterilize the infection site and you will be sent back. Now please move forward in line to the scanning platform, oh and one last thing, you can't tell anyone ever about this or we will return and "make fuck" with your brain!"

Seems your patience was being tested.

Frustrations started to surface by the lengthy wait you were experiencing. It says here "This is a long line, and I hate fucking lines! Space ship or not, screw this, at least when you're at an amusement park waiting for the Scorching Screaming Twisted Nuts of Death, you know you will be rewarded by a 30 second ride of hopefully barf free bliss. BUT, here I am watching people in front of me get scanned by some weird green light! This is worse than the gas station down the street, the 'Shell from Hell' with lottery ticket zombies in line!"

Uh-Oh! They found their first contaminated being.

A loud ear piercing buzzer went off, seems they found a contaminated dude. He had a bright green glow on the back of his head! There was a collective "OH SHIT", which came from the line of onlookers. Then, they brought out this giant glass jar! AND, there was something in it. Whatever the hell it was, it had long tentacles that hung over the sides and it was sucking the glass. They pulled this thing out (best attempt at a description) some kind of wriggling twisting spider-squid with one over sized angry looking eye!

SUCKING and SUCKING and SUCKING...

The little "helpers/things/greenies" reached in and slapped this THING on the back of the dude's skull and it started voraciously SUCKING! Screaming out in pain "CHRIST IT HURTS STOP STOP PLEASE GOD HELP ME!" But I guess GOD was not listening because this thing started SUCKING harder as the veins began to pop out of his forehead. SUCKING and SUCKING and SUCKING so hard, and it was good at SUCKING too, it SUCKED so good it didn't SUCK but it SUCKED, it SUCKED good enough to SUCK the brains out an abducted human's skull for 10 straight minutes of what this guy would call the Ninth Circle of Hell. Finally, the creature let loose, grabbed a smoke, and slid back in the jar. Falling to the floor traumatized and crying, the first victim was free to go. (minus the hair on the back of his head)

PA VOICE: "He's clean, send him back - NEXT!"

Is "Fuckupness" a word? Damn straight it is!

After seeing this horrid display of complete FUCKEDUPNESS, nobody had the SACK to go next! But being the badass I am, I stayed in line like a man along with one other dude in front of me. We were the only ones left. The rest of the pussies were off hiding in the corners of the ship (praying I guess?) The guy in front of me was a complete badass looking bro too. A large size, aggressive looking dude that I could have sworn I've seen somewhere before. He looked like the type of guy who wanted to start shit. I think he enjoyed pain and seemed like one who would bum rush a Santa at the mall in front of 100 kids just to make them cry or start a mosh pit in a petting zoo! Then he looked back and said "I'll be honest with you I'm scared shitless but here goes nothing - BRING IT!"

Giving a predator like roar, he stepped onto the platform under the green light. But nothing! Just a green little glowing dot on his knuckle! That was it! Without hesitation he thrust his fist right into the squid's mouth and yelled "SUCK IT MUTHAFUCKA!!!" Gurgling and bubbles came from the jar. SUCK IT!! I thought he'd killed the thing. SUCK IT!!! He pulled his hand out and showed it off while running people down into corners and waving it in their faces. SUCK IT!!! Heh heh, bunch o' pussies.

PA VOICE: "He's clean, send him back - NEXT!"

And then there was one.

Hey, time out! Did you hear that? Sounds like something out in the yard. The neighbor's dog is barking quite loud. Meh, I'll check it in a minute. Your notes are starting to get a little scratchy here, damn this last post-it note is quite hard to read "Just me, myself, I and that platform, just 5 steps away. The light turned on. I could hear the angry eyed spider-squid in the jar getting restless and splashing GOO everywhere WITH THE SUCKFEST THAT AWAITED ME! That ONE EYED BITCH was hungry and wanted me from the sounds of it sucking eagerly on the sides of its jar. I stepped onto the platform."

Hey, time out again! I definitely just heard something. Sounded like a crash from the back bedroom window. Not cool... not cool... it's them! Shit, it's the "Out-of-Towners" and they don't look a damn bit happy either, seems I didn't keep YOUR PROMISE!

Gotta read this shit quick... "After waiting several minutes the lights finally came on. Immediately several more greenies came running out with additional jars of spider-squids, all gurgling in their jars - the sound of SUCKING everywhere! There were horrifying screams from the corners of the room. I looked down. My whole crotch was...

AGENT NEPTUNE

BURNING PINE FOREST FROM HELL!

On this very night, ten years ago, along this very stretch of road in a dense fog just like this. I had to take the worst piss ever. The next exit off the interstate was not for another 200 miles (actually more like 20) but the Monster energy drink was burning a hole through my peepee bag.

Quickly, I scrambled for the empty can twisting and turning with one hand on the wheel and the other carefully guiding the hell fire wizz back into the green and black container. AWWWWWW!!! It was the sound of a port-o-potty being dropped from the Empire State Building.

And when I lowered my window to throw the topped off can out... the wind caught it and SPRAYED PISS ALL OVER MY FACE!!!

((((Large Marge laugh))))

So anygoddamnways...

Last night same thing but I managed to make it to a gas station. Pulled up hopped out and did the URINE ZOMBIE LIMP to the men's room. Fuck I was in pain. At one time I had kicked the peeing habit but fell off the wagon and now standing there like on life support with the urinal.

The heavy door shut behind me when I heard a sloshing sound coming from my feet. There was A QUARTER INCH pond of ammonia all over the floor. Fuck!

Oh HELL! I had to hold my breath while trying to take a 4 minute piss!!! AWWW!!! Not good not good gotta keep pissing but losing consciousness. Shit EYES EARS NOSE THROAT BURNING!!!

I knew at this point it was either piss myself and run out the men's room or die!!! Feeling faint not strong ... enough... to open... the heavy... DOOR! Slipping in ammonia and piss ... coughing worse than Bobby Brady in the Towering Inferno ... can't open door.

Can't turn the knob... falling to knees... gonna die with my wiener out!!! NOOOOOO! Then I thought to myself...

I'M TOO MUCH OF AN ASSHOLE I'm not going down like this! I hit the hand dryer and it blew the toxic air away from me for a brief second. I opened the door and got the ... fuck ... out ... ALIVE!

However, for the next 4 hours my brain smelled like a BURNING PINE FOREST FROM HELL!

Nice CSI cleaning job in the bathroom there champ!

AGENT NEPTUNE

WHEELCHAIRS YOU WISH YOU HAD!!!

AERODYNAMIC LAND JET! GUARANTEED ASS!

IT'S A UFO! IT'S AN ALIEN! IT'S HANDLES LIKE A SHOPPING CART! MAKE 90 DEGREE ANGLES AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT! CROP CIRCLES? SHIT YEAH!

TAKE A SHIT, MOW THE LAWN, PERM YOUR HAIR!

THE HAWKSTER!

WHICH

LEADS

TO

ASS!

(what swagger)

THE MFFT! MOTHER FUCKING FLAME THROWER!

WHEN I LEFT I WAS BUT THE LEANER. NOW I AM THE ROLLER!

FEAR!

WHAT'S A MOSH PIT WITHOUT A WHEELCHAIR?!? NOT A MOSH PIT!!!

GO COMPLETELY FUCKING GAGA OVER THIS GAGA

SET OF MECHANICAL ADVANTAGE SPOKESTERS!!!

MA=Fb/Fa=a/b+BONER!

DEMONSTRATE YOUR WHEELATUDE LIKE THIS 

BADASS MIDGET TAKING HIS FREAK

FOR A WALK! FFS!

PATIO CHAIR POWER!

MAKE STEPS YOUR BITCH!

TAKE ON A TRI-OVAL WALL AT 200 MPH IN THIS #3 

DALE EARNHARDT CRIMPED OUT CHARIOT!

THE WHACKED BY JASON SERIES 9000 -

 CAPABLE OF HANDLING 48 STEPS BACKWARDS!!!

KAPOW!!! FUCKERS!!! A CHAIR YOU'D ACTUALLY BREAK YOUR LEGS FOR!

THE FUTURE OF CANINE RACING!!!

DROP A $5 SPOT AND HAVE A BEER, HAVE A LAUGH!

WALKING IS FOR CHUMPS!

TIRED OF BULLSHIT? THIS SEARCH AND DESTROY MOBILE UNIT

EASILY JUSTIFIES ITS EXISTENCE!

THE WALL-E WHEELED TANK!

THE 3 WHEELED CHICK MAGNET!

TRADE IN THOSE 72 VIRGINS ON THIS

BEAST AND HARNESS THE RAYS OF SOL!

and last but not least...

THE STUNT DRUNK!

Alright enough.

I gotta go.

AGENT NEPTUNE

Random BS

Ok... how about some RANDOM BULLSHIT out of nowhere while I'm trying to put out a blog (in RED hopefully) by Halloween.

The journey from my hotel to a nearby gas station this evening was completely suffering from BULLSHITITIS. Remember this is filler shit. I'm throwing you a bone...

AND BY BONE I MEAN SHIT FROM THE ANUS OF A BULL.

Sometimes you can't just get from POINT A to POINT B without certain deviations from the your normal plan. My plan of course being an odyssey of epic proportions may have been slightly exaggerated but yet real to the concept of HOOD TRAVEL vs. NORMAL MOTHERFUCKER FEELING SAFE ABOUT ONE'S SITUATIONAL AWARENESS kind of travel. 

I WAS KILLED ALMOST 11 TIMES!!!!!!

Ok ... maybe it was just 7.

Sorry, maybe more like 5. Yeah 5 seems more like it.

But those two dudes with COCK SMASHING white guy heat seeking missiles may be OVER THE TOP ... SOOOO...

Maybe it was just 2 GUYS!

2 GUYS that wanted my money (from my back pocket) at all costs.

BUT

Actually those 2 guys were just panhandling and weren't quite aggressive at all... as a matter of fact they were begging me for change. 

AND WHEN I mean change... I mean like change that a single dude might except on a simple route from POINT A TO POINT B that really didn't have challenges at all.

SOOOOO...

Ok, so there was like this guy that asked me for some spare change AND I GAVE HIM LIKE $1.87 in change.

So there you have it. I gave some money to a homeless guy on the street.

SHIT THAT WAS FUCKING SCARY! 

Anywho ... new shit around Halloween.

AGENT NEPTUNE

tl;dr

It would appear that GIF's are now working.

This might be the start of something good.