BURNING PINE FOREST FROM HELL!

On this very night, ten years ago, along this very stretch of road in a dense fog just like this. I had to take the worst piss ever. The next exit off the interstate was not for another 200 miles (actually more like 20) but the Monster energy drink was burning a hole through my peepee bag.

Quickly, I scrambled for the empty can twisting and turning with one hand on the wheel and the other carefully guiding the hell fire wizz back into the green and black container. AWWWWWW!!! It was the sound of a port-o-potty being dropped from the Empire State Building.

And when I lowered my window to throw the topped off can out... the wind caught it and SPRAYED PISS ALL OVER MY FACE!!!

((((Large Marge laugh))))

So anygoddamnways...

Last night same thing but I managed to make it to a gas station. Pulled up hopped out and did the URINE ZOMBIE LIMP to the men's room. Fuck I was in pain. At one time I had kicked the peeing habit but fell off the wagon and now standing there like on life support with the urinal.

The heavy door shut behind me when I heard a sloshing sound coming from my feet. There was A QUARTER INCH pond of ammonia all over the floor. Fuck!

Oh HELL! I had to hold my breath while trying to take a 4 minute piss!!! AWWW!!! Not good not good gotta keep pissing but losing consciousness. Shit EYES EARS NOSE THROAT BURNING!!!

I knew at this point it was either piss myself and run out the men's room or die!!! Feeling faint not strong ... enough... to open... the heavy... DOOR! Slipping in ammonia and piss ... coughing worse than Bobby Brady in the Towering Inferno ... can't open door.

Can't turn the knob... falling to knees... gonna die with my wiener out!!! NOOOOOO! Then I thought to myself...

I'M TOO MUCH OF AN ASSHOLE I'm not going down like this! I hit the hand dryer and it blew the toxic air away from me for a brief second. I opened the door and got the ... fuck ... out ... ALIVE!

However, for the next 4 hours my brain smelled like a BURNING PINE FOREST FROM HELL!

Nice CSI cleaning job in the bathroom there champ!

AGENT NEPTUNE

WHEELCHAIRS YOU WISH YOU HAD!!!

AERODYNAMIC LAND JET! GUARANTEED ASS!

IT'S A UFO! IT'S AN ALIEN! IT'S HANDLES LIKE A SHOPPING CART! MAKE 90 DEGREE ANGLES AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT! CROP CIRCLES? SHIT YEAH!

TAKE A SHIT, MOW THE LAWN, PERM YOUR HAIR!

THE HAWKSTER!

WHICH

LEADS

TO

ASS!

(what swagger)

THE MFFT! MOTHER FUCKING FLAME THROWER!

WHEN I LEFT I WAS BUT THE LEANER. NOW I AM THE ROLLER!

FEAR!

WHAT'S A MOSH PIT WITHOUT A WHEELCHAIR?!? NOT A MOSH PIT!!!

GO COMPLETELY FUCKING GAGA OVER THIS GAGA

SET OF MECHANICAL ADVANTAGE SPOKESTERS!!!

MA=Fb/Fa=a/b+BONER!

DEMONSTRATE YOUR WHEELATUDE LIKE THIS 

BADASS MIDGET TAKING HIS FREAK

FOR A WALK! FFS!

PATIO CHAIR POWER!

MAKE STEPS YOUR BITCH!

TAKE ON A TRI-OVAL WALL AT 200 MPH IN THIS #3 

DALE EARNHARDT CRIMPED OUT CHARIOT!

THE WHACKED BY JASON SERIES 9000 -

 CAPABLE OF HANDLING 48 STEPS BACKWARDS!!!

KAPOW!!! FUCKERS!!! A CHAIR YOU'D ACTUALLY BREAK YOUR LEGS FOR!

THE FUTURE OF CANINE RACING!!!

DROP A $5 SPOT AND HAVE A BEER, HAVE A LAUGH!

WALKING IS FOR CHUMPS!

TIRED OF BULLSHIT? THIS SEARCH AND DESTROY MOBILE UNIT

EASILY JUSTIFIES ITS EXISTENCE!

THE WALL-E WHEELED TANK!

THE 3 WHEELED CHICK MAGNET!

TRADE IN THOSE 72 VIRGINS ON THIS

BEAST AND HARNESS THE RAYS OF SOL!

and last but not least...

THE STUNT DRUNK!

Alright enough.

I gotta go.

AGENT NEPTUNE

Random BS

Ok... how about some RANDOM BULLSHIT out of nowhere while I'm trying to put out a blog (in RED hopefully) by Halloween.

The journey from my hotel to a nearby gas station this evening was completely suffering from BULLSHITITIS. Remember this is filler shit. I'm throwing you a bone...

AND BY BONE I MEAN SHIT FROM THE ANUS OF A BULL.

Sometimes you can't just get from POINT A to POINT B without certain deviations from the your normal plan. My plan of course being an odyssey of epic proportions may have been slightly exaggerated but yet real to the concept of HOOD TRAVEL vs. NORMAL MOTHERFUCKER FEELING SAFE ABOUT ONE'S SITUATIONAL AWARENESS kind of travel. 

I WAS KILLED ALMOST 11 TIMES!!!!!!

Ok ... maybe it was just 7.

Sorry, maybe more like 5. Yeah 5 seems more like it.

But those two dudes with COCK SMASHING white guy heat seeking missiles may be OVER THE TOP ... SOOOO...

Maybe it was just 2 GUYS!

2 GUYS that wanted my money (from my back pocket) at all costs.

BUT

Actually those 2 guys were just panhandling and weren't quite aggressive at all... as a matter of fact they were begging me for change. 

AND WHEN I mean change... I mean like change that a single dude might except on a simple route from POINT A TO POINT B that really didn't have challenges at all.

SOOOOO...

Ok, so there was like this guy that asked me for some spare change AND I GAVE HIM LIKE $1.87 in change.

So there you have it. I gave some money to a homeless guy on the street.

SHIT THAT WAS FUCKING SCARY! 

Anywho ... new shit around Halloween.

AGENT NEPTUNE

tl;dr

It would appear that GIF's are now working.

This might be the start of something good.

This is where I post my title.

This is where I post some content.

This is a simple test.

As one can see here in this picture, the complexity of a 60 watt lightbulb goes beyond the scope of human comprehension.

FLASHLIGHTS SUCK!

I think one of the stupidest inventions ever has to be the flashlight! Who the hell needs flashlights anyway? They are useless! Even the name is stupid. It just means you're a dumbdouche that has not been doing your job memorizing where the fuck everything is while there was daylight. Besides only pussies need flashlights anyway. Heck a real badassador would rip their shirt off and wrap it around a table leg and fire up a TORCH!!!

When your power goes out - the sound of smoke detectors buzzing in your place is a sure sign of a TORCH carrying BOSS, and not a flashlight toting puss!

As one can see in this image - Jackie Chan couldn't agree more!

The only thing flashlights are good for are cracking skulls! Especially on Halloween or the 4th of July when you are completely sick of some of the water heads orbiting you OR maybe you'd just like to stomp someone's ass down to the ground with your boots, take their flashlight and hold it right up to their eyeballs - clicking that fucker on and off demonstrating your love for their retinas. ONLY THEN when you're tired of doing that you can pick them back up and crack their noggin with it. Then ask them...
 

"Do you like flashlights now?" Do ya?

Agent Neptune

Festus (Fallout: New Vegas)

 

Damn it Festus we're NOT old pals! I have given the entire Mojave wasteland the BLUE GLOVE treatment searching for those Sunset Sarsaparilla star bottle caps! I have been shot at, burned, eaten by ghouls, drowned while getting my shit raped by Lakelurks. I'VE DIED 15 TIMES TODAY FROM RADIATION POISONING... GIMME MY PRIZE YOU PUPPET PRICK!


http://steamcommunity.com/id/agentneptune/

AGENT NEPTUNE